Speaking about healing and mental health in New Ipswich Wednesday, author Tom Thelen said that there’s no “one-size-fits-all” remedy for coping with grief and loss.

“The grieving process can’t be rushed,” he said, adding that individuals suffering from trauma should be allowed to take time to care for their own mental well-being. 

Thelen spoke at Mascenic Regional High School after a weekend that saw four local young people die in car accidents in Dublin, New Ipswich and Francestown: Damien Cronan, 17, of Antrim; Devin Lundgren, 21, of New Ipswich; James Barna, 18, of Sharon; and Nolan Trottier, 21, of Francestown. Three others were injured. According to ConVal Regional High School principal Heather McKillop, in an email sent to parents last week, one of the students injured in the crash that resulted in the death of Cronan was expected to be discharged from a Boston hospital and return home on Sept. 23.

Thelen had been scheduled to offer his presentation on bullying and mental health for teenagers at Mascenic and ConVal before the crashes, although his scheduled ConVal community discussion, originally scheduled on Thursday was postponed.

The author of three books on adolescent wellness, Thelen has spoken across the United States and internationally, and while his presentation focused on how young people treat each other and cope emotionally with adversity, he addressed the sense of loss in the community.

“I’m grieving for your school, “ he said.

Following his presentation to students, Thelen discussed the sudden pain brought on by the accidents. 

“Our society does not often accommodate dealing with loss. We try to move on quickly,” he said, adding that this is particularly the case with students. “It’s different for kids. They have to get back to their studies and team practices.”

Regardless of time, Thelen said that these events will have “a lasting impact on the community.”

Thelen was initially scheduled to hold a parent and family presentation for the ConVal community on Thursday, but it has been rescheduled and will likely be offered in a virtual format.

Although it is an individual matter, grief has been understood to have five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is credited with classifying these periods of the process in the late 20th century.

“Identifying the stages when you experience a loss can help you realize that what you’re feeling is normal and expected,” Thelen stated. “If a friend or a family member died, for example, you might feel more anger than sadness – but knowing about the stages of grief helps you accept your feelings as part of the process.”

Saying that there is “no easy button to push” to turn the corner on a period of grieving, Thelen said that crying isn’t something that people should be afraid to do.

“That’s OK. It’s a normal part of the grieving process,” he said.

Adults can be helpful to younger people in coming to terms with events, Thelen said. They might have more practice with loss, and if they can manage to accept that the loss means that there will be a hole in one’s life, they can be an example to those experiencing this for the first time. One emotional balm he suggested people try is to “Think about all the good that was in a person.”

A message he crafted in the wake of the accidents offered the following suggestion about interacting with someone coping with loss – “(The person) might want to talk about what happened, or she might not want to talk,” so it’s best to meet people where they are.

A parent of four children, including teenagers, Thelen echoes a concern of many that has been underscored by recent events -- “Driving is the most risky thing we do.”

Numerous factors have contributed to an increase in emergency room visits by young people since 2020, he said, quoting Centers for Disease Control statistics dating from the height of the pandemic. The nationwide suicide and crisis hotline number is 988, he told students, and communicating about issues can be difficult. 

“Still, connecting with people in your support system is important for your healing,” he said.

At Mascenic, a crisis team has been checking in with students. The students involved in the Dublin accident – including Cronan – were returning from an automotive class at the school’s Career and Technical Center on the afternoon of Sept. 20. Such events remind people of the uncertainty of life, Thelen said.

“Nobody knows how long their life will be,” he said. “It’s important to live every day like it matters.”

ConVal, Avenue A offer assistance

ConVal students honored those lost in the crashes last week by wearing blue on Thursday.

On Monday, students were informed of locations in the building where they could access support from school counselors. While Peterborough Elementary School has a permanent comfort dog, Charlie, the district also brought in a team of therapy dogs from Cold Springs Healing Paws in New Ipswich to provide comfort to students. Members of the Disaster Behavioral Health Response Team from the New Hampshire Department of Health and Human Services, who offer support across the state to those impacted by critical incidents, also attended. Both the comfort dogs and extra support services were available to students throughout the week.

Avenue A Teen Center in Antrim held an event last week where high school-age teens who were impacted by the death scould gather and talk, led by counselors. Melissa Gallagher, the executive director of the Grapevine Family & Community Resource Center, which administers Avenue A, said the event went well enough that Avenue A will be holding another one Thursday.

“We typically do this when there’s a loss in the community,” Gallagher said. “Offering space for them to share and process in a way which can be difficult to do on their own. We certainly want them to know that it’s not a one-time thing – it’s a continuation of support.”

The event on Oct. 3 requires registration and parental permission. To register and for information, contact avenuea@grapevinenh.org. Teens must be in high school to attend.

Gallagher said grief can be a difficult topic for parents to discuss with teens, and there are resources available for that conversation. Specifically, she pointed parents to The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families, which has resources on activities and information on understanding and expressing grief. Offerings include specific resources for children, teens, young adults, parents or caregivers and school or community tool kits.

Gallagher also encouraged any parent who feels that their child needs ongoing mental health support, but doesn’t know how to access it, to contact The Grapevine, which can help connect them with resources.

“There are resources, and we’re a good resource to figure out where they can go,” Gallagher said.

David Allen, Jesseca Timmons and Ashley Saari contributed to this story.